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Covid-19 losers: 5 people having an unexpectedly awful pandemic

Simon Rite
Simon Rite

is a writer based in London for RT, in charge of several projects including the political satire group #ICYMI. Follow him on Twitter @SiWrites

is a writer based in London for RT, in charge of several projects including the political satire group #ICYMI. Follow him on Twitter @SiWrites

Covid-19 losers: 5 people having an unexpectedly awful pandemic
On these pages last week we met five people that have had a great pandemic, but why should they have all the fun? So, leaving aside medics, old people, and those who hate their families, meet five people having a terrible time.

On these pages last week we met five people that have had a great pandemic, but why should they have all the fun? So, leaving aside medics, old people, and those who hate their families, meet five people having a terrible time. 

5. Richard Branson

Lockdown has stopped all travel worth doing, and not only does that mean poor old billionaire Richard Branson may struggle to get to his private island, it’s also bad news for Virgin Atlantic, the airline that helped him pay for it.

It’s gotten so bad that he’s sacking staff and has been forced to ask for a multi-billion pound bailout from the UK government, in turn forcing that government to ask him to get lost.

He’s now got until the end of May to try and save the airline from complete collapse. The man who somehow made virgins cool finally looks screwed.

Also on rt.com Welcome to the post-Covid future: Face masks, elbow bumps, and the end of freedom

4 Xi Jingping

When you’re the leader of the country where the virus originated, it’s going to be hard to put a positive spin on things. Be honest, you don’t have to be Donald Trump to think that, maybe, the Chinese President could have acted a smidgen faster… or at least tell the rest of us exactly what was coming! On the plus side, Xi did show the world that it is actually possible to lock down an entire city AND build a hospital in about three hours, including tea breaks.

Also on rt.com Banning hotel minibars, spraying bleach on beaches, dumping chicken manure on roads: Around the world in 80 madcap lockdown rules

3 Gal Gadot 

Please don’t consider me sexist when I say Gal Gadot probably hasn’t faced too many obstacles in her life.

Which means the gorgeous Wonder Woman actor probably wouldn’t even have considered that organising that god-awful cover of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ with her A-list friends to give us all a boost may end up looking like a patronizing celebrity vomathon. But it did.

Saying stuff like ‘we are one’ while not obviously donating a bit of that DC Comics cash towards, I don’t know, doctors and nurses, may be the moment the world finally turned on PR stunts disguised as actorly woking and emoting.

Yep, the woman who every man and half the women in this world would like to touch – got a global panning for being criminally OUT of touch.

2 William Playfair

Now this one is outside the box as he actually died in 1823, but stay with me. 

William Playfair is literally the man who invented the graphs being used and abused by idiots in the media to show how many people have died on any given day. Honestly, have you ever seen so many baffling line graphs in your life?

Statistics used to be a respected field (possibly) until all these journalists started pawing away at the pretty number patterns during this pandemic, to find proof for everything and anything … while understanding nothing.

Playfair is spinning in his grave.

Also on rt.com Kings and Queens of Corona: 5 people who are having a great global pandemic

And at number 1...

It’s Professor Lockdown-cum-Pantsdown. Who else?!  

Neil Ferguson was the top stats man for the UK government, who also came up with the whole social-distancing thing in Britain, the strategy which saw a nation forced to sit dribbling in front of Netflix while pining for the pub.

Only, guess what?! It was a case of ‘do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do’ and he was caught failing to socially distance himself from his married LOVER.

It was revealed that she has been responding to his booty calls by going over to his house – despite the Bonking Boffin (c) being THE FACE of the STAY-AT-HOME brigade.

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The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of RT.

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